Cheyenne's Thoughts

2009-08-05T20:24:00.002-05:00

This just seems to be my bitching place.

Eric and I create slide shows for memorials, birthdays, etc. Photographers sometimes offer this service; however, we touch up and fix minor (and sometimes not so minor) issues with old pictures, fix the exposure, and generally tell a story with the show. Ours can include photos from a person's entire lifetime, not just one event such as a wedding. (This is what most photographers offer.)

This is not a simple Windows Media or Power Point program we use. It can be timed to music, not just have music in the background. It can be customized in many ways.

Now here is something that gets me. I know a couple of people that keep telling me how he/she can do the same thing in 30 seconds with some obscure shareware or some such thing. IT'S NOT the same. What they are doing is randomizing pictures with music in the background. What we do is create a memory, or bring memories to life. Because this is about the client and helping to make their day as special as possible. Not about doing something as cheaply or simply as possible.

I'm so consistent, yes?

2009-06-12T10:36:00.002-05:00

Obviously I'm not when I have so many things to keep up with!

So Eric and I were talking last night and working out how we are going to work with our two 10 year old boys on learning how and why money is spent and how the world works. One of them really gets it. The other, not so much.

So here's what we're going to do. Do you remember on The Cosby Show when Theo wanted to move out and be a model? Cliff and Claire turned their home into a mini 'real-world-experience' for him with a job, an apartment, loans, and stores. We're taking it a step further and stretching the experience out. This will go for a full school year.

We are developing a chance game in which they will get jobs, have bank accounts, pay bills, and make other life choices, such as whether or not to purchase a car or ride the bus. (If the dice tell us the bus even runs close to their home and work.)

We will use some real-world events to determine when money comes out and for what, but also we will make news stories that are sent by email or make videos to deliver the news...these stories might affect their jobs, or their income, or spending habits.

For example...If they choose to have a car, there will be choices about which car to buy. Then they will have choices about insurance, maintenance, etc. Say they choose to have a car, but neglect changing the oil in favor of going to the movies or some other discretionary activity. The chances of the engine locking up increase by 20% or so.

So there are random events, and planned events. I am so looking forward to this!

I don't think I've told anyone this before.....

2008-10-20T17:43:00.003-05:00

....Beyond a few psychology classmates and my family, anyway.

Have you ever wondered about female to male prejudice? We all know how men supposedly treat women across the board unfairly, but how many stop to think about the reverse? What is it that we women do to men that is stereotyping them? Do we assume they have shortcomings just because they are men?

I play a game called Second Life. I have two avatars. One is a female, and one is a male. I created the male character because I wanted to study these questions. I started out by asking men I knew in my personal life these questions. The answers convinced me that there was something to this idea. They invariably told me yes, but it was tough to get them to elaborate. So I figured that the closest I would ever get to being able to pass myself off as a male would be in Second Life. I actually found that it's still incredibly hard to do. I talk (type/use language) like a woman. I behave like a woman. So I got a male buddy of mine in the game to coach me. Once I got the basics down, I started off on my own to explore.

I discovered that men tend to avoid friendships with other men in the game unless it's over some kind of shared passion....competition, motorcycles, etc. Then when I finally got some women to talk to me, it all started becoming obvious quickly. Invariably, I was assumed to have no fashion sense, not be able to cook, etc. Just imagine the worst male stereotype you can, and that is exactly what I was assumed to be. I said hello to one woman, and she immediately fired off a ridiculously over-compensating put-down to keep me from hitting on her. I guess. She informed me that I must really enjoy blondes a lot, since that's what her avatar was, and she informed me in no-uncertain terms that she wasn't blonde in real life. She then proceeded to verbally bitch slap me into perceived submission, before stalking off and proclaiming to all within earshot that I was a complete jerk. All that from a simple 'hello' greeting.

So she was extreme, but the treatment I received from other women was quite interesting. I know it opened my eyes to subtle ways in which we treat men as inferior. I immediately apologized to my husband and now watch myself very carefully to avoid doing this. Men are not automatically incapable of taking care of children. They are not automatically on the prowl or incapable of cooking or dressing themselves.

All I can really say to my fellow women is 'SHAME!' This is not what women's liberation was supposed to do for us. Just as men haven't the right to treat us as inferior based upon our gender, we have just as little right to do the same to them.If we want to be treated equally, then shouldn't we do the same?

!!!

2008-10-18T14:31:00.002-05:00

I learned the coolest thing today.

I was at the chiropractor due to a migraine. I woke up so miserable and unable to keep down even water. If you've ever had a migraine, you know what it was like. So I went in to get my head put on straight. We chatted briefly about different things, and he offered to set me up with certain clients of his for the next psychology paper I have to write. He said he'd hook me up with one of his bi-polar patients. I thought that was a weird offering, and said, "Oh, bi-polar disorder....yikes, I know people with that and think I get enough of that in my personal life." He laughed and said he meant he'd show me bi-polar disorder from the non-allopathic treatment view. (Non-traditional treatment)

After talking a bit more, I found out that many times bi-polar disorder is strictly structural. Nutrition doesn't come into play at all, which I would have thought. So I came home and decided to look up studies and information on this treatment method to see if there was efficacy or any credence to the idea given by the traditional medical establishment.

This DC (http://www.erinelster.com/ConditionsDetail.aspx?ConditionID=4) has been published in journals and has some good information on this. I'm so blown away - partly by the fact that I'd never really considered this before. I've apparently come close to the idea with another paper I've written on "Brain Gym' which is like cross-crawl. (I may have to describe that one later.) But I'd never really thought about the structural problem being implicated in bi-polar disorder, tourette's, depression...

When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Maybe once I get all my neurons firing again (since the adjustment, I'm slowly becoming coherent again) then I can do a bit of research and it could be a topic for a paper in the future.

And maybe I can pass information along to those who are managing their disorder with medication...I know they hate it, and I know they'd love to get off of it.

Just flabbergasted....

It's 1 am...Can You Smell Your Pets?

2008-08-12T01:02:00.002-05:00

Boy, I can! Well, really only one. We brought home a kitten and she's a doll. Even Eric likes her.

Problem is, she was fed something that apparently didn't agree with her, because it's 1 AM AND I'M CHASING HER AROUND THE HOUSE CLEANING UP DIARRHEA!

I'm giving this until Thursday. If I have to live in a house that smells like a litter pan, she's going back, because I won't do it. Normal dog smell is one thing, but cat crap is totally another.

Oh my god, even Pine-Sol isn't helping the smell in the room I have to sleep in tonight. I think I'm going to cry.

The Dark Knight

2008-07-18T15:25:00.002-05:00

POSSIBLE SPOILERS OF THE DARK KNIGHT

So we took our son to The Dark Knight midnight showing. OK, really 12.05 am, but close enough.

This movie is a massive assault on the senses. I loved it. We even saw it at one of the older theaters in our city, so I can't imagine what it would have been like on IMAX.

The Rachel Dawes replacement wasn't a match for Katie Holmes, but everyone else was great. The new girl can act and all, but she looked like she'd lived an incredibly hard life....bags under her eyes, saggy jowls, etc. I know that's really critical, but I had a hard time looking at her and not wishing Miss Katie was still doing the role. Katie Holmes is a bit hard for me to hate, despite her poor taste in men.

Morgan Freeman and Micheal Caine as always are fantastic, and nearly any movie with either of them in it is worth watching just to watch them doing what they do so well.

My real reason for posting about this though is to laud Heath Ledger as Joker. I've read several reviews that pretty much tell Jack Nicholson to sit down and shut up because Heath's portrayal is the new standard by which all future performances will be judged. I thought it was a little much to say this, thinking that perhaps the reviews were due in part to his death earlier this year.

After seeing this movie, I'm convinced they were right. Ledger's performance was a little shy of the mark at the beginning of the movie, but as the character was developed, there was a depth and subtlety, lending themselves to the illusion of a very unstable anarchist. This Joker was scary, not silly.

However, one nitpick I definitely have about this movie is the 'social experiment' of the two boats Joker had rigged to explode. Each had the detonator for the other boat. Joker informed them the first one to push the button would live, and if neither pushed the button, both boats would be destroyed. Social psychology pretty much tells us what would happen in this circumstance. SOMEONE WOULD DIE. There is no way that a boat full of convicts and a boat full of civilians would refuse to kill each other. Even if they were sick of the corruption of Gotham, they would not be THAT noble.

It does make me sad to think that Heath Ledger will never reprise his role as Joker. It's my hope that the franchise will pay him respects by allowing the character to sit out for the next movie, and THEN find someone who can do the role justice Heath Ledger style.

White N Nerdy

2008-07-02T14:00:00.002-05:00

Holy crap, I'm such a nerd.

I am starting a new class tonight in my bachelor's psychology program at Ottawa. It's History and Systems of Psychology. I was just looking through the book and got all kinds of excited. How nerdy is it to get excited over the history of psychology coming from ancient India and Buddha, from ancient Greek philosophers, from Rome and the Middle Ages? Of course, after that, I think the book gets rather boring, because then it's modern foundations of psychology, which I have thus far found uninteresting in previous classes. (The foundations, not current theories, mind you.)

And now I realize just what a nerd I am by reading what I've just written. Why can't I stop?!?

nice long break is over...

2008-06-09T20:35:00.003-05:00

My grandfather passed away a day or two after my last post. It was way more difficult than I realized it would be. Those people who I was griping about before did not come to the funeral. I suppose it may have been for the best.

However, my husband did something absolutely amazing. He spent considerable money and time working up a slideshow for my grandfather's funeral. It's amazing. I watch it even now, and I'm doing ok until I see pictures of him holding me as a baby, then I just lose it. It was such an amazing thing to do, and other members of my family who never got to meet Eric before were amazed that he would take the time to do such a thing when 'he isn't a member of the family'. Of course, they just meant that he's not a blood relation, so they were surprised. My great uncle 'Chick' immediately requested a copy of the slideshow, and I was amazed at how many people stood around staring at the screen just watching the photos. Things like this that Eric pulls out of nowhere just serve to remind me of how much I love him and how incredible he is sometimes.

I took a nice long break from blogging because I was too full of emotion. I was physically and mentally exhausted. However, in the interest of getting back in the swing of things, here's my little story from the past two months...

I am now the mother of a teenager. He's only 9.

I was searching for images online of a specific stretch so I could email it to a client to show how to properly do it. I found a hilarious site that uses an articulated Spiderman figure to show how to do stretches. I called my son over to look.

"Shawn, you gotta see this!"

Shawn comes running over and looks at the page, getting a confused look on his face.

"What? The girl in the bikini?"

My turn to get confused. I scanned the page and way off to the side, was a weight loss ad with a girl in a bikini. Apparently women have suddenly become more interesting than superheroes, the travesty that was Spiderman 3 aside.

Poor kid has no idea why I was laughing so hard.

For Whom The Bell Tolls...

2008-04-08T18:33:00.004-05:00

My grandfather is dying. He is doing very badly right now, and it's been touch-and-go for the last week. Just when things started to look better for him, it all failed again. He is 95 years old, so he's had a long life, but it's still kind of stressful. I remember the way he used to take me into his garden and show me how to weed his strawberries, and the koi tanks in his yard, the willow tree where I used to play. (To my cousins: I don't care what you remember, I DID get to help with his strawberries at least once!) Some of my family harbors only resentment toward him, and I understand they had a very different relationship with him.

The reason I even mention this is because a couple of years ago my grandmother on the other side of the family died, and I refused to go to her funeral. She made my life miserable by saying mean things to me, telling me I was just like my mother (whom she hated), and generally being a pain in my ass. She yelled at me a lot. Other people in my family grew up with her. Literally. Lived with her for a while. Me, on the other hand, she refused to speak to for several years prior to her death.

I was the target of a lot of angst when she died. I made a lot of people mad by not going.
Does that mean I get to return the bitchiness when they don't come to Grandpa's funeral? I suppose I would be entitled, but I'm trying very hard to be a little bigger than that. I guarantee though, that if one more word is ever said to me about my family loyalties, I am likely to explode and perhaps turn into a chainsaw-wielding crazy person.

Of course, if some of them show up, it will only make things more stressful, and I hope they don't. Honestly, I know each person will have to make a decision, but I wish they wouldn't say things to me about the old man 'croaking'. He may not know it's being said, but I do. I always had a good relationship with him when I was a kid, and no one should step on that.

All alone with my thoughts

2008-04-07T21:36:00.001-05:00

There is nothing like sitting somewhere with nothing to do and no one to talk to when the person you’re with has plugs in his ears listening to his goddess Paula Abdul. Then it dawned on me, I could pull out my computer and start writing.

Nope, still bored.

Maybe this is why the electronic gadget-imposed isolation happened so rapidly. Everywhere you look, someone is playing electronic Sudoku, or poker, or reading e-books, or texting…does anyone talk to anyone else anymore?

I’m stuffy, I’ll admit. I said a few posts ago how I sounded like an old fart, and realized a few days later that’s because I AM. I’m only 30, but somehow teenagers annoy the crap out of me.

(OMG, he started headbanging. Must not be Paula anymore. Oh, Metallica. *rolls eyes*)

Anyway, teenagers. Most are okay. The ones that bug me are the ones who travel in packs like their survival depends on it, and their self-esteem actually does. The ones who give everyone else dark and threatening looks because you walked into a McDonald’s on a Friday night at 10.30 pm with your spouse, ordered chocolate shakes and fries, and then sat down. Nothing more than that.

Now, granted, the area I was in is generally crawling with Goths. These kids weren’t Goth, because what self-respecting Goth (oxymoron?) would be caught dead (haha, another pun) in McDonald’s of all places. These kids were more punk than anything, and a couple of the most outlandish were the most polite. Their appearance didn’t bother me, but I did decide that I’m planning to avoid places where I see groups of teenagers hanging out. Their vacuous babble and girly giggles make my head hurt.

Why do teens lose IQ points when around other teens? Is this why we send our kids to public school, so they can socialize with others their own age, and forget how to relate to anyone else? Forget relate, just behave politely around others.

Between the constant gadget attached the the hands of the yuppie kids, the murderous looks from the punk kids, and the grumbling and ‘poor me’s’ from the Goths and Emos, our entire societal norms of polite behavior are gone. It’s tough to change my thinking about acceptable behavior. But should I? Which norm should be the acceptable one? I guess it’s not for me to say. Old polite behavior is going by the wayside quickly.

I guess us old fuddy duddys have to learn to accept some of the new norms, but the younger generation should learn to accept some of the old norms as well. We all have to share breathing air, and just because they are the up and coming generation, doesn’t give them the right to dictate. Wait until we’re in nursing homes, at least.

My brother once told me that Madonna should get out of the music biz. Stop making any kind of music whatsoever. Why? Because she’s too old. He was 17 at the time, but that’s no excuse for giving such a crappy reason. I might have understood it more if he’d said he didn’t like her or her music, or some other reason, but only that she’s too old?

This is what I’m talking about. Someone who is older has not outlived their usefulness. The world doesn’t belong only to those 25 and under. The older people are the ones who’ve paved the way for the younger generations to enjoy some of the freedom of expression they take for granted. And where would music be without those who came before paving the way? Madonna broke new ground with her music, like her or not. Just like Chuck Berry, and many others before them.

So this old fart is happy to be an old fart as long as she has other old farts for company. At least the ones who are courteous enough to chat with you instead of burying themselves in their own electronic gadgets.

Wonder what he’s listening to now and if his ears are burning?

Damn you for stealing my sign

2008-04-01T23:45:00.002-05:00

We used to live in an apartment building which had two apartments on each floor. My husband and I, with our son, lived across the hall from three young women who were very sweet. It was a fairly quiet apartment building, and we never heard our neighbors. There must have been some kind of soundproof firewall, because my DH loves to turn the volume on the television up so far it would rattle the dishes in the kitchen cabinet. Apparently there was no soundproofing between our bedroom and the bedroom of the couple who lived upstairs though. Loud and quick, thank goodness. I would have started banging on the ceiling a la Heckles from Friends otherwise.

When we lived in this place, I had this cute little sign on my door. It was very appropriate for any place I lived. My mother gave it to me. It said "My house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it!"

I went home one day, went inside, and stayed for a while. When I left, my sign was gone. My prettily lettered, small, cute sign was gone. I was firstly amazed at the sense of loss I felt, and then the anger hit. I seethed about it for days.

Eric came to my rescue, like the night in shining armor he so seldom channels. When I came home next I found a new, printed sign on the door.

"Thanks for stealing our sign. You can have this one, too."

City kids are seriously deprived

2008-03-29T17:56:00.002-05:00

I almost hate to do this, but I'm about to write about someone else's kids. I love this person dearly, and her kids are good kids. This is nothing personal. Now that I've backtracked before I've even written anything, maybe I have room to move forward with my thoughts!

This family, who will remain nameless, lives in suburbia. They run around in a minivan to school, church, and grandma's. OK, I know minivans aren't designed to go off-road like SUVs, so no complaints there. However, this family went to visit friends who lived out of the city. They had to *gasp* drive down a dirt road. The kids got really upset and were nearly crying, freaking out, asking if they were supposed to be there. They are currently 5 and 7 years old.

This is how you know you've been in the city too long. This is how we get kids and adults who don't know where milk or eggs come from. To be fair, these kids do. But many others don't and never learn.

I'm always amazed at the world in which we live now. Kids intuitively know much of our technology, because they are raised around it. But get some of these same kids around animals and they haven't got a clue which ones are likely to hurt them and which are useful. Get them on a farm and they can't figure out how to entertain themselves without video games.

I know I sound like an old fart. I'm just nostalgic. I miss the simple life without the chaos of the city. Of course, when I'm away from the city too far, I miss being two seconds from entertainment. When I put them on a balance, however, my desire for country living far outweighs my need to be passively entertained.

In Memory

2008-01-23T10:39:00.000-06:00

I never was a huge fan of Heath Ledger. Don't get me wrong, I didn't NOT like him. (Referencing my last post, yes I know it's a double negative.) I thought he was a good actor, and I like the fact that he shied away from pretty-boy roles in favor of roles that would force him to reach deeper into himself.

It was a surprise to me yesterday to hear that he had died. What I originally read was simply a preliminary story that siad he was found dead by his massage therapist (please - not masseuse as the New York Times called it) and housekeeper, surrounded by sleeping pills. I figured it was suicide. I mean, kind of sounded that way. As more information comes available, it sounds more like an accident. Apparently, he recently gave an interview in which he said he was not able to sleep, and even taking two Ambien only gave him an hour's sleep at a time. The role of the Joker was hard on him mentally and emotionally, also contributing to his sleeping troubles.

Either way, we've lost a great talent, and the world will be a little darker without his smile. It is sad that his little girl must now grow up without him in her life.

Two Babes in a Manger

2005-12-10T13:25:00.000-06:00

TWO BABES IN A MANGER

In 1994, two Americans answered an invitation from the Russian Department of Education to teach in Russia. They were invited to teach at many places including a large orphanage. About 100 boys and girls who had been abandoned, abused, and left in the care of a government- run program were in the orphanage. The two Americans relate the following story in their own words:

It was nearing the holiday season, 1994, time for our orphans to hear, for the first time, the traditional story of Christmas. We told them about Mary and Joseph arriving in Bethlehem.

Finding no room in the inn, the couple went to a stable, where the Baby Jesus was born and placed in a manger. Throughout the story, the children and orphanage staff sat in amazement as they listened. Some sat on the edges of their stools, trying to grasp every word. Completing the story, we gave the children three small pieces of cardboard to make a crude manger. Each child was given a small paper square, cut from yellow napkins I had brought with me. No colored paper was available in the city. Following instructions, the children tore the paper and carefully laid strips in the manger for straw. Small squares of flannel, cut from a worn-out nightgown an American lady was throwing away as she left Russia, were used for the baby's blanket. A doll-like baby was cut from tan felt we had brought from the United States. The orphans were busy assembling their manger as I walked among them to see if they needed any help.

All went well until I got to one table where little Misha sat. He looked to be about 6 years old and had finished his project. As I looked at the little boy's manger, I was startled to see not one, but two babies in the manger. Quickly, I called for the translator to ask the lad why there were two babies in the manger. Crossing his arms in front of him and looking at this completed manger scene, the child began to repeat the story very seriously.

For such a young boy, who had only heard the Christmas story once, he related the happenings accurately--until he came to the part where Mary put the Baby Jesus in the manger. Then Misha started to ad-lib. He made up his own ending to the story as he said, "And when Maria laid the baby in the manger, Jesus looked at me and asked me if I had a place to stay. I told him I have no mamma and I have no papa, so I don't have any place to stay. Then Jesus told me I could stay with Him. But I toldHim I couldn't, because I didn't have a gift to give Him like everybody else did. But I wanted to stay with Jesus so much, so I thought about what I had that maybe I could use for a gift. I thought maybe if I kept Him warm, that would be a good gift. So I asked Jesus, ‘If I keep You warm, will that be a good enough gift?’ And Jesus told me, ‘If you keep Me warm, that will be the best gift anybody ever gave me.’"

"So I got into the manger, and then Jesus looked at me and He told me I could stay with Him---for always." As little Misha finished his story, his eyes brimmed full of tears that splashed down his little cheeks. Putting his hand over his face, his head dropped to the table and his shoulders shook as he sobbed and sobbed. The little orphan had found Someone who would never abandon nor abuse him, Someone who would stay with him--FOR ALWAYS.

During this Season...

2005-12-03T19:26:00.000-06:00

I want to share something that really moved me greatly last Christmas. It is part of a post from a group of families adopting from Ukraine. Please bear with me, as it is long, and feel free to share with others.

*****
Sat Dec 25, 2004 4:26 am

For all my brave words…tonight is turning out to be very hard for me. I have been crying for the children who will be around our table and our Christmas tree next year, wondering if they are cold or hungry or lonely this Christmas, and cry harder as I write these words. Has anybody made them feel loved or special? Do they know that they are God's beautiful children and that He loves them even more than Stuart and I do? I can't sleep, wanting to have them safe here, where they will have love, food, warmth, clothes ... Red velveteen dresses and warm woolen sweaters ... Sweet Christmas cookies ... Dolls, bicycles, and a jolly train running in a circle under the Christmas tree ... A snuggle on the sofa with Stuart and me as we read them the beautiful story in the Gospel of Luke about how Jesus was born in a manger and the shepherds heard the angels sing and came to visit Him ... Tonight they are in an orphanage wondering if anybody will ever care enough to adopt them, and don't know how hard Stuart and I are working to get everything done so both governments will let us have them as our own children, to be tucked into warm, soft beds in our house after we dress them in their soft, warm red plaid flannel nighties. We will sing Silent Night to them and feel so blessed that they are ours.

But this year they don't know any of this. They have no idea that somebody in far away America already loves them and is plowing through all that paperwork required to get them out of the orphanage and into a loving family that is theirs forever. For them, it's just another cold Christmas Eve in an impoverished orphanage still burdened by the heritage of their country's decades of communism. Is there any chance they have even gotten an extra orange to call their Christmas feast?

Do any others of you feel that the wait for our precious children is harder than pregnancy? At least when you are pregnant, you have a reasonable expectation of a particular date when your child will be in your arms. You know that the little one you are carrying is safe, warmed by your own blood and fed by the food and vitamins you choose carefully with your little one's health in mind. How many of our friends have given up smoking and alcohol *before* trying to get pregnant because they cared about their child's health! We in the US take it for granted that a loving mother gives up these as well as caffeine and other harmful things, and starts taking extra vitamins! I took prescription folic acid (a B vitamin) for years, hoping to have my body well stocked with it for the child I hoped to carry but never conceived.

But our angels in the orphanages over there have so often been born to mothers who didn't care that they were giving them FAS as they guzzled vodka all through their pregnancy, or who were too poor to buy good food, let alone vitamins, to ensure that their babies would be born healthy, without any of the defects that a lack of folic acid or other vitamins can cause in the precious fetus. Our precious angels are not getting the start in life so many of us planned for our children.

Or they were starved, beaten, inadequately clothed, left alone in houses with no wood or coal for heat, where nobody had even cared enough to cultivate a vegetable garden. Or they were abandoned at birth just because they had something as simple to repair as a cleft palate or clubfoot.

Tonight we remember that Our Lord was born to a young girl in impoverished Palestine. She had no place but an animals' feeding trough in a barn to lay Him in, and only the dirty hay the animals had drooled in to soften its edges for Him. She may have been too poor to have all the fresh fruits and vegetables that we consider essential to good health. She spent the end of her pregnancy trudging the primitive trail from Nazareth to Bethlehem, then brought us the Son of God!

We will be parents to children who were born in heart-breaking circumstances. Some of them have been terribly abused and neglected before the social workers took them away from their disgraceful families and placed them in orphanages that sometimes hardly qualify as good homes--even when the staff care and want to make the orphanage as good as possible for the childen. It will be our job to restore as much of their childhood and health to them as possible, and above all, to love them with all our hearts.

Dorine

*****

In some ways, I am so very jealous of this woman who was able to so eloquently say what I feel in my heart. There are nights I go to sleep wondering if the child we will bring home someday is warm enough or has had enough food. I have been completely unable to do any fundraising since May because of starting school, and Eric not being in a job that has allowed me to use a bit of 'seed money' for fundraisers. (I'm not blaming him for anything...I'm just sad.)

Now that it's Christmas again, I want so very much to begin fundraisers, but I just don't know how to do them without the support of family. It makes me so angry that almost everyone we know is completely unsupportive of our heart's desire. Brian & Courtney and Aunt Marjorie, THANK YOU for being supportive of us! I think you guys are the only ones who HAVE been.

I'm Thankful For......

2005-11-23T16:19:00.000-06:00

I heard someone suggest the other day to write out each area of your life and what you are thankful for in that area. Since it is so appropriate for Thanksgiving, I thought that it should be my update. I haven't thought this through yet, so I have no idea what I will be writing. Even though this might be like setting barracudas loose on myself, here goes.
*****
FRIENDS - I'm thankful for the friends I have made at school. I don't get out very often to make friends anywhere else. Plus for a long time I've been afraid to try. For the longest time I surrounded myself with the wrong kind of people. It is so great to belong to a group of like-minded people in so many areas. I'm thankful that even when we fight or get on each others nerves, we usually forget about it by the next day. I'm thankful for some friends specifically, and I'm going to name names - if I haven't mentioned you, it DOESN'T mean you aren't my friend.

Deb, I love how you sit back and just watch everyone. I love how much you have grown, and I'm talking about JUST what I can see. I know there is so much more than meets the eye, and you've had a lot to deal with, but I think you've done an excellent job. I'm thankful to have someone like you as a friend.

Desiree, I'm so thrilled to find someone who can read my mind the way you can. I haven't had that since I was 15. (Which is more years than I like to think about!) We have so much in common, and I'm going to miss you terribly when you leave our class!

Krystal, I'm thankful for you for what may be an unusual reason, and I hope I don't offend here. It took me a while to really get a feel for you. The fact that you were in the military intimidated me. Other people from the military in my past scared the crap out of me, so I just didn't know how to relate to you. It only took six months (!), but I think I understand how you tick now. I always try to wait to know someone before making a judgment, but with people who were former military, I wasn't doing that. I'd always assume wrong things, and not even try to get to know them. You have shown me how bright, intelligent, sweet, and sometimes vulnerable, people can be in the military, too. I'm going to make my apology here for misjudging you from the first. Please forgive me.

Andrew, you are really funny, sometimes annoyingly so. :-) It's just not that often that I can laugh so much, even at silly things with someone. I don't think you have Tourette's anymore!

Lynda, you've been there for me through the weight loss battle, even when I'm not really trying. Thanks for being supportive and accepting of me exactly the way I am.

Valare, Thanks for being a friend and being patient with me, even when my life gets so busy, it seems I don't have time for anyone.

Jessica, There have been times I didn't think we would still be friends 4 years after I moved away from being your neighbor. I'm glad we still are. I'm thankful our kids get along again, because we can actually spend time together now.

Becky, you're the one who kicked my backside and made me get a move on with my life. If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have all these other great friends to write about!
*****
FAMILY - I'm thankful that I have such a wonderful child and husband, and that my husband and I are working on our issues. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm even thankful for his family, even though I don't always feel like I'm truly part of it. That's probably my doing though. I've always had a hard time opening up to new people who have a lot of potential to be able to hurt me. If you know my past, go figure.

Nicole, I'm so thankful we've worked past our problems! I think being in this class together is going to be really good for us together, separately, and individually. (I hope you understood that, even if no one else does!)

Bubba Duck, you are and probably always will be my favorite sibling. I'm thankful that we get along (at least when we don't live together, and I've found out that's fairly normal for a lot of siblings). I'm thankful I can talk to you about any problem and get an ear. I'm thankful you are comfortable talking to me, too...And I'm glad we can have fun, even when we're talking about something pretty serious!

Aunt Marjorie, I'm thankful that I have at least one extended family member I can relate to. It really means a lot to me that you are not the kind of person to listen to gossip or shun the black sheep of the family. I'm thankful to have you as a tie to my roots.
*****
HEALTH
Seems like my health is something I'm always battling with. But I'm thankful I'm as healthy as I am, and that my biggest problem is fixable.
*****
RELATIONSHIP TO SELF
I'm thankful that I have learned so much about who I am, and learned a lot of the expectations I have of myself and others have of me can be unrealistic. I've been so hard on myself because I always thought I had to be a certain way or be who others wanted me to be. I'm me. And I'm happy with me. I was going to list a whole other category of spiritual thankfulness, but in some ways, I can fit that here. God doesn't expect me to be a different person. God doesn't expect perfection. I'm thankful for the Gift He gave us, and for all the people who remind me of that through their own lives.

Finally, I Understand....

2005-11-21T18:35:00.000-06:00

So I feel like a bit of a heel.

The last thing I wanted to do with this blog is talk about people all the time. But I think that is the best way for ME to understand people...to discuss events relating to them.

I learned today several things. Or maybe I didn't LEARN them, but they sure hit me between the eyes.

Some people, even if they are in a leadership position, are easily led by others. Too easily. Some people are more sensitive than even I am, and that's really saying something. Others get really bitchy and take things out on the wrong people, and yet others - and this is the one that drives me really batty - think the louder they are, the more right it makes them. These are the same people who, if you have genuinely wronged them or hurt them, won't accept or even listen to an apology.

I'm often surprised to see little quirks in people's personalities. Though I must confess it makes me seriously wonder which of those annoying traits I have. All I can do is try to be a sensitive, caring person, and let God do the rest.

Wish I didn't care so much what others think of me.

For the Second Time Today....a Rant

2005-11-16T19:34:00.001-06:00

Another soapbox? You betcha!

We homeschool our 7 year old son. He's a very intelligent child. We do very little bookwork, but a lot of hands on. For example, he's been learning internet seaches and computer file structure. He's reading Huckleberry Finn. He's been learning anatomy & physiology from COLLEGE textbooks. (Mine - from massage therapy classes...and he knows it better than some of my classmates!) He's intensely curious. When my husband did some electrical work in our house, our son got to help, and learn about electrical wiring and how electricity behaves. He loves to watch Modern Marvels and Engineering Disasters on the History Channel. He's studying nutrition right along with me for the last couple of weeks.

So what's my rant? People who don't understand what homeschooling is and what it's all about. Think you have to have your child sitting at a table for 8 hours every day for them to get an education. We do bookwork, we just do MORE hands on. He's a kinesthetic learner. He learns by DOING. He can do all the math he's 'supposed' to be able to do at his age and more. The ONLY thing he is a bit behind in is his handwriting and spelling. He was slow to start, so I didn't push it until he was ready...but that is normal for some kids.

One specific person who is part of our family wants me to send our child to a public school. While I do believe that there are some benefits to the idea, I still prefer to homeschool. He doesn't seem to 'get it' that we have made a decision, and he needs to butt out. He told us today that we can get into trouble for not sending our child to school. He IS in school! We are even registered with the state. If the state has a problem they can come test him.

(I have heard all the arguments for and against homeschooling, so please don't post arguing with my decision. It's falling on deaf ears.)

Again, as in my last post, why can't people understand that everyone is different? Why don't people understand that this is OUR decision?

I Really Hate Insensitive, Shallow People

2005-11-16T16:38:00.000-06:00

How does one react when another person is being a complete insensitive idiot? Most of us just sit around and let them be idiots.

But is that really the right way to handle it? If they aren't hurting anyone, then fine. But what about when they are hurting people who are around them? If these people will never see each other again, it might be appropriate to ignore it.

But what if those situations don't apply? If these are people that have to tolerate each other every day? Do you say something to the insensitive boob, or just reassure the person being hurt? And if you say something to the boob, how do you do it in a way that has an impact without starting a royal fight?

There are people like this in my class. You would think that being in a massage class that most, if not all, these people would be a bit more enlightened and accepting. Not so.

We are currently in Nutrition class. This class alone could give someone an eating disorder. In fact, I know at least two females in the class caused themselves to throw up because they felt bad about their weight and what they were eating based on what they learned in nutrition. Might be more if the teacher weren't accepting of people the way they are. Plus she admits herself that she doesn't really eat right.

But there are two guys in the class who sit in back and make fat jokes about nearly everyone else. These guys think Tyra Banks is fat. So she models VCs plus size lingerie. She's got a big bust! She's NOT fat! (Post-post note: This is before she gained weight, and even then, I still don't think she's fat.)

They make comments about the teacher being fat, about this one being obese, this one's skeleton alone weighing 100 lbs. (I flipped em off for that one! Childish, I know, but at least it was on their level so they were able to understand it.) You know, according to those stupid charts, Catherine Zeta Jones and Marilyn Monroe are/were obese. Unless your ideal date is someone from the Donner party, then you know these two women have healthy sizes...but they are not fat.

Another person that was being insensitive is actually really a sweet girl. She's young, and very opinionated. Sweetie, if you read this, I love you, but it really hurts when you tell me that international adoption is wrong. Do I tell you I have a really big problem with people who smoke? You smoke, and I think cigarettes should be outlawed everywhere. Do I tell you who to date? No. Because those are personal decisions that you have a right to make, just as I and my husband have a right to make a personal decision about where we adopt from. I know that your family has been a foster family to many children, and I admire you for that. Just remember that I have been researching the adoption process for many countries, including this one's foster system for several years now, and found that my heart lies in Ukraine. You saying you have a huge problem with international adoption is telling me that my feelings are wrong. You can't help who you love.

So I'm stepping down off of my soapbox now. I have an adoption to plan.

The Best Things in Life...

2005-11-11T21:04:00.000-06:00

I wasted some time this afternoon/evening at Stupid.com. They have some really bizarre items for sale, like a mini tape gun for scotch tape. These guys know how to enjoy the simple, stupid things in life...I enjoy stupid things, too.

For example, I have a dog who is afraid of her water dish. No, really. Her bowl has a resevoir like a water cooler. When she drinks it down, it bubbles and she runs. I really enjoy that. It makes me laugh.

There were several things today similar that made me laugh. But the problem with the simple, stupid things is that they take too long to explain, and even then, you probably had to be there.

Who am I?

2005-11-10T22:26:00.000-06:00

I am a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, aromatherapist, massage therapy student, and Reiki master. I am an actress, a singer, a dreamer, an idealist, a Christian. I am a doggie mommy, a ferret lover, artistic, non-judgemental, a sensitive person with a marshmallow inside. I am domestically challenged and OCD about setting my alarm clock. I am terrified that people will know the real me and what goes on in my head.

Why am I writing a blog?
A change of pace.
A challenge to myself.
A way to sort out my thoughts.

I often write about my relationships, my feelings. I know I will write about my school, my journey to an international adoption, my work, and homeschooling my son.

So here it is - like what you read or not. Raw, unedited me.

(Yeah, right. I'm editing, and I always will. I'm too afraid of hurting someone's feelings!)